Writing Club Part 3

I was a little nervous to publish this one but I figure I'm not the only one who went through something like this...

 

The moment you knew you were no longer a child 

In second grade I decided that I was going to start swearing.  I was sick of my childishness and thought a little rebellion would give me power.  I remember the morning I said my first swear word.  I was curling my hair in preparation for school and I burned my arm.   

$#*%!.   

Alright, that wasn’t so bad.  It even gave me a little relief.  This would be easier than I thought though I think I stretched the word out longer than professionals do.  I’ll do better next time. 

Later that day a boy, who constantly picked on me, gave me a hard pinch on the arm.   

$#*%!.   

Whew.  This time the bad word came out not as stretched.  My bully heard what I said and to drag out the teasing asked, “What did you just say?”  Embarrassed I turned bright red and mumbled “nothing”.  I quickly turned around and continued walking with the class, being very carefully not to look back at that boy.  I realized in my walk of shame that the words I said really didn’t feel good.  I vowed to never swear again.  I sounded ridiculous.   

I guess rebellion wasn’t adulthood.   

At 15 I had the world figured out.  I wanted nothing more than to find my high school sweetheart, fall madly in love, and get married once he returned on his mission.  I found him in a shy 17 year old boy with handsome features and a contagious laugh.  We started hanging out once our friends informed us that we liked each other.  Sparks flew when we spent Valentines night at his friend’s house playing duck hunt on the Nintendo.  He made fun of how bad I was at the game while he shot the ducks from a great distance, sometimes with his eyes closed.  Our friends snuck away and we shared our first kiss.  After that night we were inseparable.   

My parents advised against having such a serious boyfriend but I knew what we had was different.   After 6 months of dating I started separating myself from my family to rid myself of the guilt.  Interaction with my siblings was nonexistent and my relationship with my parents was informational only.  My friends moved on too.  They went to after game activities and had new crushes each week.  They filled their time in semi-illegal but mostly innocently goofy activities.  I figured if I sacrificed everything I loved for him then our love was real.  

I told myself that I didn’t care.  Our relationship was more important and I had a genuinely fun time with him.  He spoiled me with gifts and I gave my emotional self completely to him.  I loved his family and they treated me like a daughter.  We had a bright future ahead of us.   

After almost three years of dating he left on his mission.  The short months before his mission were rough and it was a bitter sweet moment when his plane flew off to a foreign country.  He was gone and I set there crying in the airport while his future wife comforted me.  He was gone and it left me completely empty.  All my time and energy went into him.  Now I was left to fill it with what?  I went back to normal high school activities but still felt empty.   

Apparently sacrificing wasn’t adulthood.     

So I did what I thought was my only other option.  I found another boy. 

I tried to recreate what I had with my first love.  This second love came from a broken home and I wanted to be one of the people that showed him what it was like to be loved.  He was oblivious to what I was offering so I gave him what was left of me.  Desperate for a response I did whatever I needed to create another deep relationship.  It seemed to be working and for two years we continued an unhealthy relationship.  I finally became fed up of being weak and called it quits.   

I guess fixing someone wasn’t adulthood. 

In a couple months span my first love came home from his mission, my second love left on his mission, and I met my future husband.  After a couple of dates with my future husband I knew he was the kind of person I wanted to be with.  I quickly invested my time into becoming the type of person that deserved someone like him.  My future husband and I were not dating seriously when my first love came home.  I was extremely distant from my first love.  After a couple nights of spending time together I briefly told him I didn’t feel the same way towards him and gave him no further explanation.  Truth be told I was extremely embarrassed about the way I handled life while he was gone.  If I told him goodbye maybe my mistakes would disappear too.  It allowed me to keep my darkest secrets tucked away. 

I started dating my future husband with a clean slate.  We fell in love and after a year of dating we were married.  I stayed mum on my past relationships and it clearly affected our first year of marriage.  It was obvious to me and my husband that I didn’t have much to give him.  The time and energy I spent in past relationships tainted what could have been a new and exciting time for us.  I finally opened up to him about my frustrations and what I thought I was going to be.  We shared many raw conversations that expressed our regrets and uncovered truths of our past.  We hurt each other’s feelings more than we wanted to but it was necessary in the healing process.  As time went on our relationship became exactly what we hoped it would be.  I slowly felt liberated from my past. 

Apparently keeping everything tucked inside wasn’t adulthood. 

Three years later I found myself sitting in a Bishops office with my husband next to me and our two little girls on our laps.  Our Bishop asked us how we were doing and we gave our response.  He then turned to me and with a smile and kind eyes he said “It sure has been neat watching you mature these last couple of years.”  I stared at him for a moment thinking “Doesn’t he know I’ve been mature since I was eight?”  I kindly said, “thank you” and as he continued to talk my mind raced, his voice moving farther in the distance.  I saw my life flash before me and I witnessed how naïve I was.  Why did I ever think I knew better?  It started with my innocent rebellions in elementary school and ended with my self-sacrificing loves in high school.   

His humbling compliment helped me see myself for what I really was and who I was actually becoming.  All of my mock attempts at adulthood were really just a fight against God.  Since marriage I had learned what it really meant to be obedient and for the first time had actually done it.  Obedience equaled growth.  I realized the naïve sparkle in my eye had turned into a knowing empathy and grace.  The once bleached hair and tight figure had turned into a faded roundness that understood the purpose of a body.  My all-knowing mind and heart finally realized that it didn’t know everything and needed some major work done.  I realized in that moment to be an adult we had to be like a child; Obedient to what God wanted for us and not obedient to our own desires.  

God has a funny way of teaching us.  He lets us make mistakes and protects us along the way even though we don’t deserve it.  He taught me in that small office that if we are willing to make small and sometimes big adjustments he will bless us with anything pure we ever wanted.  And he did.